News

News can be found in the form of little messages at the top of your screen. Parodying real-life news, they are all fake messages, but very entertaining.

Some possible news feeds are:

Modern Era

 * Welcome back to Bitcoin Billionaire! (entering the game)


 * Today is double XP day in the real world. Go out and gain a level or two.


 * This Week's winning lottery numbers are S7,14.5,Z,@@, and Radish. Looks like no one got the correct numbers again.


 * Haven't seen that Bitcoin guy in the thrift store lately. Now that he's actually making money, he thinks he's too good for old socks and secondhand toothbrushes. What a snob!


 * Lonely computer geek ISO partner who knows at least three meanings for the acronym "ISO".
 * Tricycle gang attempts to mug passerby only to realize that he isn't carrying any physical money. He tries to explain what a bitcoin is, but they throw their juice boxes at him and ride away/


 * Local crime rates have risen. We're not sure by how much because our calculator was stolen.


 * Are you feeling depressed? Triumphant? Nauseous? Try new cherry-flavored Bitsoda! It won't make you feel better, but most people agree that it tastes ok.


 * Identity thieves are concerned about the increased usage of paper shredders. "Going through people's trash just doesn't produce the results it used to. Well, unless they throw out a pudding cup"


 * Based on your interest of "cool poster": Do u want more posters! Go to postrs4yew.web for the best posters! Use this coupon for a 10% discount: AAAAAHPOSTERSWOOOO!!!
 * Another computer guy moves into the neighbourhood. He's one of the "sits on a computer and doesn't bathe for weeks" type.
 * BitMineCon is pleased to have a guest speaker named [player's name]. He explains about how to solve issues around the bitcoin community, like how to avoid a sore butt.
 * SpyFish007 Report #3: The human [player's name] has put me in a tank. I will watch his every move to learn how to have a memory of more than 3 seconds. Oh hey, what was I talking about? Oh... food flakes!


 * Used shoes for sale. If you can pry them from the floor of the movie theater, they're yours!


 * 407: News item not found. Please insert 0.0001 BTC to receive humor. If you are too destitute to pay, this message may be repeated.


 * SneakyLeaks has uncovered documents revealing the location of Amelia Earhart's lost airplane. It was sitting in a parking lot in Cleveland this whole time.


 * Bitcoin entrepreneur moves into neighborhood. Residents are encouraged to watch his everyday activity by pretending to trim the bushes or mow the lawn. Also, peep into his house and find out what a bitcoin is.


 * Is computer code inherently evil? Local geek and bitcoin miner says "What are you doing in my house? Get out!". We think that pretty much answers the question.


 * Dear Doge Whisperer: My pet shiba just sits and stares at me all day. Any way I can find out what he's thinking? Such mystery.
 * Anonymous hacker on 3Chin releases over 300 stolen celebrity photos. Included in the leak are naked selfies of Koko the Gorilla and a voyeur shot of that dog who played Wishbone.
 * After just one day of operatioan, the Foot Fungus Theme Park & Bacteriorium has been forced to close its doors. According to the health department, it's because someone saw a fly land on a hotdog.
 * biddle biddle* *biddle biddle* Hear that? That's the noise of the news feed walking across the screen. It's the only noise you can hear on this big island of yours. That, and your tummy grumbling for cheese puffs.
 * Exclusive photographs of a local bitcoin miner have just been released by sneaky paparazzi. Using a telescopic lens, photographs took over 140 pictures of [player's name] sitting at his computer, picking his nose, sometimes scratching his face with a spoon. It's... well, it's less exciting than we hoped.
 * News for Old People: A nice young entrepreneur has moved into the neighborhood. He does something called batcoin mooning for a living. We don't know what that means, but let's hope he wears a sweater on those cold nights!
 * Tonight on HoloTV: Ch 3002 - Virtual Soccer, Ch 4999 - Who Wants to be a Bitcoin Billionaire?, Ch 6787 - Linux Scripting with the Stars, Ch 9001 - Dragonbell Z: Goku is Still Way Too Nice
 * Hilarity ensues when a group of young bandits dressed as old timey train robbers try to stage a heist on the hyperloop rail. It took them six hours to realize the hyperloop moves in an enclosed tube, at which point they just went home.
 * Hardly Working, minisode #7: "Hey hey, cubicle neighbor! Whatcha got there, fancy new see-thru glass desk?" "No, Barry, It's not. I don't have a desk. You just tried to set your coffee down in mid-air." "Sorry. I'll clean that up. Hope you brought back-up pants." *cue laughter*
 * Outlets installed on the solar freeway have led to an 18% increase in traffic accidents in the last month due to people stopping in the middle of the road to charge their phones.
 * Woman sneezes in front of her gesture-controlled VR computer and accidentally hacks into FBI database. Agents immediately message back saying "gesundheit".
 * Paleoanthropologists have retracted their announcement of a transitional fossil that proves humans and apes evolved from a common ancestor. "It turns out it was just a statue of someone named [player's name]."
 * Ever have a computer that's too fast. Install Nomton Utilities! It will cram your rig so full of pages, data, and task processes that even the fastest CPU will grind to a halt!

Prehistoric Era

 * A group of hunters were spotted in the forest today, each wearing brightly colored armor and carrying a huge weapon. When approached by authorities, the group offered this explanation: "We're hunting monsters. Want a nulberry?"
 * Researchers at Habilis University have stumbled upon a startling discovery. They call it "fire", and as best they can tell, it can be used to turn your skin bright red and make it hurt. Additional tests are forthcoming.
 * A man was thrown out of the bowling alley tonight for wearing something called "shoes". The owner said they smelled horrible, were soaking in bacteria, and they scratched up the floor. The bowler left in shame.

Futuretopia Era

 * Worried you might have an evil twin created by a freak teleporter accident wandering the galaxy? Trick question! It's true, and he's writing this news item right now. Off to make people think you're the evil one! Bye!
 * Surface Dweller News, Broadcast #4A-CB: Some of the undergroundlings surfaced near the corner of Happiness Lane and Prosperity Avenue. Teams of actors dressed as mutated bizarro gorillas successfully frightened them away.
 * A gigantic ball of garbage was spotted in the solar system today. According to its trajectory, it will collide with Earth. Scientists think we should just wait it out, see what happens. Can't be all that bad, right?
 * Garlic shampoo sales spike in popularity as foolish consumers buy into the new Brain Snail Hat fad. To quote one satisfied, drooling customer: "nghuuuuuuuuuuuuuhhh".
 * Special note from your brand new mandatory security camera: Yes, your butt does look big in those jeans.
 * Introducing the new Tubrella! Tired of people in travel tubes spilling their coffee all over you during the morning commute? Grab a Tubrella and you'll be the one spilling coffee on everyone else!

Christmas Event:

 * The Dreidel of Infinite Computation sees all, knows all. With it thou shalt no longer play. With it thou shalt peer into unknown quantum dimensions. And finally beat Minesweeper.